Dance-hole

 

"Dance-hole" 

A term I just made up when I saw my notes from last month. It refers to someone or certain people who would love to make unnecessary drama in the dancing community, while their dancing is not even that good. 

Disclaimer: I just need some place to rant because lately, I've been so pissed with what is going on around me. It wasn't my problem, but it has affected me and my mood greatly, though I tried to ignore it.

By the end of 2022, I returned to my hometown after a couple of months of staying in the capital. I was stressed because I didn't make it for my first "professional job," disappointed in myself for being such a failure in life, and regretting some decisions I made the previous year. I was broke, hopeless, and stressed because my new job was not quite what I wanted. 

I didn't have friends- close friends, because apparently, I'm not good at making people stay in my life. The only comfort I got was from my long-distance boyfriend and my mom. I kind of hated myself for staying in that situation. 

I knew I couldn't get out of that shitty life anytime soon; there were some considerations about so many things that I decided to stay in here. So, I tried to make my life slightly better. 

Then, I saw this place through my colleague, the dancing community.

I still remember the feeling I got when I came to a cafe where they had this social dancing event every Tuesday evening. I remember I was so nervous and excited about meeting new people, to learning something new. I talked with some people there, looking at the people dancing, and thinking that even the shittiest move from other people looked super cool to me. Because I had zero knowledge about dancing. I always wanted to try it, but I kept putting it aside and not prioritizing it. 

The first dance they taught at the fun class was Bachata. Two steps right, two steps right, the hips up in every count of four and eight. OMG!!! I finally learned the bachata movement!!! I remember Liz, my Mexican friend, showing me a video of the Despacito song with a bachata arrangement. A couple dances on the beach. It looked very romantic, sexy, and beautiful. I aspired to become a good dancer like them. 

So, I was eager to learn. I joined some Bachata and salsa classes, came to social dance more regularly, attended a community gathering in another city, signed up for workshops, and even competed in a dancing competition with my limited dancing skills. I spent my hard-earned money on dancing, allocating most of my time to dancing instead of working. LOL. (PS: even my boutique closed down because I was busier dancing than selling my clothes).

I enjoyed dancing so much. I got to learn bachata, being so excited about salsa, a little bit confused with kizomba steps, and still afraid of trying zouk. Above all, I enjoyed dancing so much.

Dancing was more than just playing a song and moving my body.

It gave me a new life. New friends. New connection. It gave me a sense of belonging. I found people who laughed at the jokes that found them funny. Through the sweat on my body, while dancing, I found joy. I was beyond happy. I was ecstatic. My life was about dancing and dancing and dancing again. I had my closest friend, and we healed each other through the hardest moments and broken hearts. We supported each other. With these people and the community, I felt like I could be myself again and ready to rule the world. At that time, it was the first thing that made me so happy and feel alive again. 

Until the day when people were comfortable enough to show their true colors. 

I am never against people being their authentic selves, unless it means fighting with one person and another. I realized people in the community come from different backgrounds, and the reasons they join vary. They could be single, divorced, delayed, retarded, smart, educated, thin, fat, rich, poor, business-owner, salaryman, factory labor, military guy, smell like fish, smell like bathing with perfume, and many other types of people. They could also come because they simply want to dance, meet new friends, find a boyfriend or girlfriend, or just want to smoke cigarettes with someone. We cannot force people to have the same intentions and goals, though we stay in the same community. I got it.

The more I got to know people, the more I talked with people, and the more I got to know some juicy gossip circulated among the people. I was no saint, definitely. I like to hear the news about this person or what they are doing. With whom they were cheating. Oh? Did someone actually become a sugar baby? nice... maybe I could ask for one of her Gucci bags. Well, I know this person had a crush on someone, maybe we could set them up. Someone didn't return the money from another person. Those gossips were harmless, didn't affect my life, and I gave zero shit about it. Although I love to talk shit and laugh about it. 

Until shit is becoming really shit lately, and the harmless gossip has made people become divided between each other. Some private matters are discussed in public. Some affairs become a public secret. What people are supposed to do behind closed doors was announced in a public hearing. Some dirty jokes that used to be funny became very disgusting. In the beginning, it was fine, I could handle all those shitty conversations until one day it didn't seem as funny anymore. 

My closest friend moved to another city, and I supported her because I think it was also good for her. Then the other one followed to chase his dream. Then, the other one also left me because he couldn't deal with his own feelings. So now, I dance on my own. I am back to the first time I came to the community, but with too much knowledge on those juicy gossips. I received all this energy, to be honest, mostly negative and unnecessary. 

Joining forces with the community is a must; otherwise, I will feel like an outcast. The way I see things changed, pretty girls are not so pretty anymore. All those make-ups and beautiful dresses couldn't hide the rotten thoughts they announced so loudly. The guys looked nonchalant, but they had ears in every corner and exchanged messages in secret. When they talked, their every word cut sharper than my eyebrow razor. 

This was the time I felt so uncomfortable being around people and so afraid to open up in case someday I became an outcast and all of my secrets became their topic of interest. I avoid coming too often. I got so angry that I put all the blame on these attention-seeker drama queens. Because of them, I lost the only comfort and escape from my boring daily life. I put all the blame on the drama king who couldn't even handle his own feelings and left me behind all alone. I was so pissed when they came and ruined the whole vibe when they were not dancing queens/kings.  

Mostly, I am to blame for being so caught up in their unnecessary problem that it affected my mood. F*ck. 

I spent my time and money on dancing, but I let their problem influence me so much that it took the joy of dancing away from me. It's so unfair, and I am so pissed about this situation. I won't let it anymore. All those workshops and hours of self-practice will go to waste if I lose to those dance-holes.

So you, yes you, I'm gonna keep dancing, and you can keep your mouth blabbering. 

Let's separate and have fun in our own way :)

07.02.2025