She Used to be Mine - Sara Bareilles

"Some song lyrics hit differently when you are older." 

It's not simple to say

Most days I don't recognize me

That these shoes and this apron

That place and its patrons

Have taken more than I gave them

It's not easy to know

I'm not anything like I used to be

Although it's true

I was never attention's sweet center

I still remember that girl

She's imperfect, but she tries

She is good, but she lies

She is hard on herself

She is broken and won't ask for help

She is messy, but she's kind

She is lonely most of the time

She is all of this mixed up

And baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone, but she used to be mine

It's not what I asked for

Sometimes life

Just slips in through a backdoor

And carves out a person

Who makes you believe it's all true

And now I've got you

You're not what I asked for

If I'm honest, I know

I would give it all back for

A chance to start over

And rewrite an ending or two

For the girl that I knew

Who'll be reckless, just enough

Who'll get hurt

But who learns how to toughen up

When she's bruised and gets used

By a man who can't love

And then she'll get stuck

And be scared of the life that's inside her

Growing stronger each day

'Til it finally reminds her

To fight just a little

To bring back the fire in her eyes

That's been gone, but used to be mine

Used to be mine

Notes:

I thank myself, for surviving until now. Trying my best although sometimes it feels like I'm on the edge and just on the verge of losing myself. I thank myself for being grateful for being me in my life. To understand, that life is so much more than about me myself and I. I thank myself for being a kind human who is very human. To sometimes sacrifice myself for no reason for someone else who couldn't appreciate it. To sometimes cry alone in my bedroom, but in the very next day,  feeling the joy in life. To understand that life is not always about being happy, but also the process of enjoying the pain brought within. I thank myself for enjoying the life I have. To laugh, to cry, to let myself lose - sometimes just a little while or even longer than it should be. To take so many detours while achieving my goals, but then I enjoy the journey. To meet people and be grateful for whatever role they play in my life. To dance, sweat a little, lose hair, love so hard, and make things complicated on my own (lol). 

I learn to toughen up. I learn to love myself first before loving any man in this world again. I learn to understand, that it is okay to have something I really want and be selfish to achieve it. To let go of any expectation that someone could make me happy in the way I want it. 

I thank myself for who I was before and for who I am now.

I'll not turn my back on who I was before. I am moving forward and lighting up a new fire. Even bigger, even hotter, than the one used to be mine.

09.05.24