Thinking of You

 ‘Thump.. thump.. thump…’

The EDM music was very loud. The crowd was cheering. Someone had a birthday. Someone opened a bottle. Someone spill the drink. Someone had a blast. Someone had a broken heart.

“Do you like the music?” He shouted on my ears. Wide smile. Big nose. Wearing a green expensive t-shirt and yellow sunglasses after the sunset. Maybe he thought it was a cool fashion. Whatever. 

“Of course! This is so fun!” I said cheerily, raising my glass of Long Island to look hyped. Dancing. Shaking my booty. Moving my feet. I am ecstatic. I have to! And I drink Vodka. Fuck. I chanted my spell again: This party is expensive. It should be amazing, it should be fun, and I have to enjoy it, I am wherever I belong, I am with the right person, and I am on my way to being happy. 

I heard the people shout louder, singing along while the DJ played whatever the music they’d been playing. Something caught my eye. It stings and makes me teary. No, I am not crying. I shouldn’t be. Why would I? I am completely happy. I am content with my life. I feel great. I feel amazing.

“Can I borrow your glasses?”

“Of course.” He gave it to me without seeing me. I wanted to be noticed. I wanted him to see me. But at the same time, I didn’t want him to know.  I took it. I wore it. My eyes sting even more. Fuck, the wind was too strong. Or maybe because it became darker. My head was so light and dizzy. My eyes were full of.. sweat. I guess.

“Did you have fun?” He put his hand around my shoulder. I am not.

“Of course!” I laughed as if it didn’t matter. I definitely am not. I was thinking about a warm shower and a long hug while sleeping. With someone who was not even around anymore.

“Omg, this music is so dope!” He said. He jumped, and I jumped. He sang, but I didn’t know the song. He drank, I took his glass and shot it to my throat. He offered me a cigarette, I inhaled the smoke. He hugged me from the back, I let him. I ignore the despise of physical contact with strangers. Hating myself because whatever I was doing was better than feeling miserable knowing that I couldn’t do anything. Anything at all. 

Making out with a stranger was better than forcing someone to want me the way I wanted then. 

I turned my head and I pulled his neck. I kissed him. Passionately. People were cheering. I closed my eyes. Holding my tears inside. I was safe as long as I was wearing his sunglasses. He laughed happily. I laugh confusedly. Can I blame this on the vodka? I felt shiver through my bones while my body was full of sweat. 

See this, babe, I found someone who wants me. I found someone who goes to party with me. I found someone who seemed to be obsessed with me. I found someone who invited me to come to meet him. I found someone who seemed to know how to take care of me. I found someone who seemed to want me too. I found someone who seemed to be capable of treating me right.

And guess what, he took me to his place then we made out. He didn’t know how to do it properly, so I taught him. How to kiss in the way I kissed you. How to do it, in the way I did it with you. How to make love in the way I made it with you. But of course, this time without love. Without fun. Without joy. With tears of confusion and regrets and anger and sadness as the aftermath. 

But hey, see me darling, I could also betray you. The same way how you betray the promises you gave me. The same way you abandon my feelings. The same way when you nonchalantly answer my question and then hurt me unintentionally. You know it hurts and you did it to me. I know it hurts, so I did it to you. So we are equal, right?

The music was loud. The party was loud. The anger was loud. But you know what was louder? The very same song that keep repeating in my head over and over again since the first time I met him. 

The line goes:

He kisses my lips I taste your mouth

He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself

'Cause when I'm with him

I am thinking of you

Thinking of you 

What you would do if you were the one

Who was spending the night

Oh, I wish that I

Was looking into, your eyes

It was funny how I hummed on that particular song when none of the DJs put this on their playlist. It was funny how I could feel you all around when all I wanted to do was to forget about you. Forget about us. Forget about all the burned promises and hopes.

Every kiss and every touch reminded me of you. Every laugh and every tear I shared with others, I only wanted to share with you. But where were you? What were you doing? Was I in your mind? Why can’t you want me the way I wanted you?

Now, there’s no looking back. I want to hate you and you hate me too. I wanted us to be over without any slightest hope to get back together again. I wanted to ruin myself as much as you ruined me. I know you never did it intentionally, but it hurts. I know you never meant to do it, but it hurts. Loving you was hurt. Being with you is hurt. Not being with you is hurting me even more. I want to end the pain once and for all.

So yeah, the loud music, the party, the fucking with strangers, the betrayal must go on. For me to move forward with my life. For me, to let go of my expectations about us and to find my own peace. To make me, maybe someday, feel like a whole again.

22.04.24

Inspired by the song 

“Thinking of You - Katty Perry”