When It's Over

“C’mon.. we could do it for the sake of our past, right?” Ethan's voice seemed so distant, even when his eyes scanned my body and gave me that mischievous look. I know he wasn’t serious, but god dammit he’s so freaking hot that it makes me want to ruin his clothes at least, one more time in my life. Elvira assholes, I shouldn’t tell her that I am in this town. I should’ve known this thing would happen. Or maybe, this is exactly the thing I wished for?

But now I see it clearly again: my self-control is not reliable at all when it comes to Ethan.

“I won’t do anything with you. It’s enough for us to dance and talk for the past hours. You were my best friend, and still you are.” I said. Barely. With a voice to convince myself rather than trying to convince him.

“Ah c’mon, I know you want it too.”

“I won’t say I don’t. But you know, I am engaged.” I showed him my ring finger which was filled with a quite big diamond. My fiancè spent a fortune on this, I didn’t even ask.

“Really? Are you gonna leave just like that?”

“Yes, Ethan.”

“Ah. C’mon. You did cheat when you were still with me, you don’t think I believe in your bullshit about loyalty and stuff, right?”

That’s it. That was it. Ethan just wanted to hurt me with his words. He was still bitter with what happened between us and he wanted me to feel the pain that he felt. But Ethan was wrong, I never cheated. I broke up with him before I met that guy with whom I had a fling. Ethan didn’t accept, because no matter how hard I explained to him how I felt during our time together, he wouldn’t listen. 

I had the roughest conversation with Ethan about how we were going to plan for the future. He refused. He wanted to stay single for at least another five years, while all I ever dreamed of was a family. I broke up with him after countless frustrations, anger, and insecurity. Why can’t he be sure about me after seven years in a relationship? How long do I need to wait? 

For Ethan, the relationship starts when he says it starts, and it ends only when he says it ends. 

So, when I said I wanted to break up with him, he took it casually. He didn’t want to accept the fact that our relationship was over until I told him I had seen someone else. He accused me of cheating, saying I always had to be the one who had the final say. He said what I did was very low and disgusting, reflecting on how much I felt insecure about myself. 

I felt the sudden rage filling up my head. I clenched my fists, trying to control myself. 

“You can think whatever you want about me, Ethan. If making me a cheater makes you feel better, then go ahead. Do it. I don’t mind.” I said to him, looking at him straight in the eyes. I want to tell him how much I love him and how much I hurt because of him. 

“You are a cheater. And it was so disgusting.”

“I am a cheater, and I was so disgusting. Thank you for breaking up with me and finally give the chance for me to open up my heart to someone else.”

“Who is serious and willing to take the next step with me.” I continued. My eyes started to get teary. 

After all this time, I still wish that it could be just him who put the diamond on my ring finger. I wish it could be him who gets down on his knees and tells me how much he loves me and wants me to be the only one in his life. Building a home, having three kids, welcoming him home with kisses and home-cooked meals.

After all this time, I wish it could be him who I could spend my life with. 

My heart aches just to think about the impossible and how I spent years of yearning and longing. My heart ached when I saw most of my friends got engaged or married just after some years of being together. Or when I saw some couples who had been together for almost ten years, finally tie the knot.

While I, entering my 30s by breaking up with my long life partner. Sucks. 

“I was always serious with you. I was loyal to you. And you fucked it up.”

“I did yeh.. For better. If you think I would patiently wait until you are ready, then go and fuck yourself.” I said with a shaky voice. 

He was mad at me. I could see the same frustration in his eyes, like what I felt towards him. But I know, behind that there’s some tenderness in the way he looked at me. Like what he did a few hours back when we just met and talked like a normal long-lost best friend. I know, as much as he hates me, he still loves me so much. The same way I do. 

We held up good until we couldn’t fake it anymore. 

As people say, only love is not enough, right?

“Goodbye, Ethan.” My fist is hurting because I clenched it so hard. Holding the urge to hug him so tight. I might not want to let him go again if I do that.

Ethan did not answer me. I just walk away. Like I always do. I walked away and collected my scattered pride and what was left of my ego.

Honestly, Ethan always be my rather be. I would rather be with him under any other circumstances. But I am tired, of holding that expectation that he would do the same. He’s the nicest and the cruelest person I’ve ever known. He used to be my whole heart and my whole world. Being with him was never easy, but I would go all the way just because of him.

Until the time I realize, my world cannot revolve around him, right? Until I realize, that I need to put myself first above all. Until I know, there’s so much more I could achieve if I could shift my focus for myself, and not be obsessed about being with Ethan or being married to him. 

I walk away once again and I know, Ethan and I should let everything between us go now. We’ve been separated ways for some time. Even if we’re coming back, what’s the point? What would be the goals? How long should I wait again until he sees my worth? Will he even change in the way I wished for?

07.02.24